If you’re anything like me, your earliest memories of spending significant time using a computer and the internet in general likely began on AOL. I met some of my longest “internet friends” by jumping into public chat rooms that revolved around mutual interests or were specifically tailored to teenagers who were roughly around the same age at the time. Honestly, with as often as I spent time online as opposed to socializing with people from high school, you could even say that I learned how to socialize on AOL. And maybe more importantly, in some circumstances, how not to socialize.
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If you can’t exactly relate or are too young to have been on the internet during the days of dial-up, let me put it to you this way: Millions of people used AOL to access the internet. In fact, according to some statistics about AOL, its peak user base was 35 million people and, in 1999, was worth $222 billion. At the height of the AOL craze, the company even bought out the massive media conglomerate Time Warner (as disastrous as that deal turned out to be) for $182 billion. It was enormously successful, and I personally believe that one could even say it is responsible for popularizing and pioneering the internet in America. The acceptance and adoption of online culture began with AOL.
Despite all of this, AOL’s misfortune started not long after the acquisition of Time Warner. Insider business decisions eventually led to Time Warner casting AOL out by 2003. Furthermore, the company saw shrinking numbers once dial-up started falling into disuse as users began favoring easier and faster broadband connections. I mean, who could blame us? Nobody wanted to wait 15 minutes for their internet connection to start up when they could just as easily sign onto a PC that was always connected. Especially once those upstart services started offering unlimited access, which ate into AOL’s model of selling their service hourly. And by 2017, the writing was truly on the wall, as AOL shut down the spinoff of its popular chat services, AOL Instant Messenger (AIM).
Truthfully, not many were aware that AOL’s dial-up services were still available, as they were. I, myself, had personally thought AIM’s shutdown was the end of AOL’s dusty vestiges, outside of its free homepage and email services. Apparently, per CNBC’s Alex Sherman, there are only users in the “low thousands” still relying on AOL’s dial-up internet. The recent announcement that they would be shutting it down at the end of September, though, brought on the same wave of nostalgia for me that the closing of AIM brought. Reminiscing about chatting and making friends with people hundreds or thousands of miles away. People that I would never have had the opportunity to meet otherwise. There was something special about the internet back in those days. And while the technology has gotten harder, better, faster, stronger… We’re still here, and so is the internet that AOL helped build.
🐈⬛ During the writing of this post, my newest and youngest cat Inky decided to jump on my keyboard. I was later informed that he deserves to be heard. So in the spirit of letting him voice his opinion, he said this:
Have you ever felt a sense of nostalgia for a life you never lived? If so, we share something in common, and it’s called anemoia.
We’ve all experienced loneliness or felt homesick at some point. Those pangs or feelings of yearning for something from your past. The people, places, and things of it all. The right song can almost make your brain teleport through time, back to your younger years. But have you ever driven through a normal, quiet American suburb and noticed the different homes, one right after the other, and wondered to yourself: Who are the people that live in these homes? What are their lives like? What about the people who lived in that home before them? What did they do for work? Where were they from? Did children grow up here? What’s their story? And if they no longer live there, how did their story in this home end?
These are the things I think about when a normal home that I’m passing somehow catches my attention. Maybe it’s because I think I’m a little more sentimental than the average human, but the spaces we take up can tell us a lot about the people in them. In a lot of circumstances, someone’s home is a character in the story of their life in its own right. It could also stem from my overactive imagination, or from the kid I used to be who constantly wished he was someone else. Craving a little insight into the lives of other people seems perfectly normal to me, though. But it goes well beyond that, too.
Recently, I saw a photo somewhere on the internet, and I wish that I had remembered where it was so that I could show it to you now. But it was a simple photograph of a suburban neighborhood with normal homes. An orangey-pink glow in the sky that you sometimes see just before the sun goes down. The streets were wet from rain. And I had the feeling of missing the place in that photo. Even though it was a photo from a random stranger on the internet of a random neighborhood that I’ve very likely never even been. Then I started wondering about the why of it all.
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And, in many ways, those places are gone. Sure, suburbs still exist all across America and beyond, but we live in a world where “normal” means something completely different than it used to. We’re all hyper-connected more than ever with our mobile devices and social media. Too many of us, myself included, tend to focus on all the distractions rather than what’s happening in front of our faces. People are concerned with the lives of celebrities and their 10-minute trips to outer space. We’re concerned about political scandals, seemingly one right after another in the current administration. We’re trying to figure out all the controversy surrounding the latest superstar athlete. We want to get our paws on the absurdly pricednew dolls and gaming consoles. Everything is so larger-than-life now as we doom-scroll through our curated feeds and highlight reels. There are even “normal people” who have become mini-celebrities through social media. And did you know that, according to a Morning Consult survey, over half of the Gen Z members surveyed want to be social media influencers, and an even more surprising 41% of older adults do, too.
With everything moving and changing at light-speed, I think I miss the normalcy. I miss the things that are almost boring. When life progressed slowly, and when things were unassuming. When we had local heroes and legends. When things could be mysterious and wonderful. I miss the people who could be described as “salt of the earth.” The people who aren’t broadcasting their every waking, performative move in hopes it’ll go viral. And I’m not even shunning progress or technological advancement. Y’all know that I love the internet as much as the next person. These are the digital streets that raised me. But there really is a quiet dignity and truth to just simply living. And it feels like it’s an increasing rarity to find.
Jed Whedon, the younger brother of someone I used to admire and who shall no longer be named in this space, released an album in 2022 titled blue noise [blōō noiz] n. nostalgia for a life you never lived and previously had an album in 2010 called History of Forgotten Things. It made me really consider that maybe Jed also knew the call of anemoia, and his music has helped me understand the feeling a bit better. It seems to tap into my subconscious that’s yearning for a different world. A world that maybe I didn’t even live in. Maybe it’s a world that I just idealized in my mind, and it has always been this unmitigated flaming crap basket, and I just didn’t realize it. But surely everybody hears that whisper from another universe, right? That alternate timeline version of all of us that valued just being human. The next time you get that internal vibration when you see an old photo, someone else’s familiar furniture or wallpaper, the cracked cement by your parking spot at work, or the twinkle lights above an old café you never went to…
Are we witnessing a new beginning or the dawn of our final days?
Lately, I’ve been turning to YouTube to try my hand at learning a little bit more about AI (artificial intelligence) technology. I’ve interacted with OpenAI’s ChatGPT and Microsoft’s Copilot in the past, but outside of letting them generate little cutesy images or memes for entertainment purposes, I’ve largely only used them to help me find inspiration or information for my own content or creations. They’ve otherwise sat idle in the far orbit of my world.
And that’s because, although my personal feelings toward AI are sorta neutral at best, I still consider myself a member of the very vast content creator community online. That community, justified as it may be, harbors overwhelmingly negative sentiments toward AI. But as time marches onward, and corporations continue implementing AI technologies into their workforce, I’ve started accepting that it is very likely here to stay, whether we’re embracing it or not. And like all other manner of tech in existence, it’s going to be up to humanity to learn how to harness its powers and its continued evolution for good.
Two nights ago, I watched a segment from Bloomberg Originals where writer and mathematician Hannah Fry explored the concept of AI’s evolving impact on humanity. The metaphor she presents at the beginning of the video, “the gorilla problem,” managed to strike a chord with me and helped me to relate and think further about what exactly we’re working toward… But also, about what exactly could be at stake.
The YouTube video mentioned in the paragraph above. Watch it!
The Promise of Progress
Whenever the debate about AI technology crops up, I often hear its supporters say that it’s “just a tool,” and that there’s no reason for all the hubbub. And in a lot of ways, they aren’t exactly wrong. AI can, surprisingly, be a very effective tool when applied to different use cases.
Several years ago, the world was flooded with devices like Amazon’s Echo, which introduced the Alexa digital assistant to consumers all over the world. Folks were amazed that this new robot could set reminders and alarms, compose your grocery list for you, and even let you drop in on your friends and family who also had Echo devices in their homes. She could play music, tell jokes, and even report on live weather and traffic conditions. But Alexa wasn’t really AI in the truest sense. She was mostly filled with pre-programmed responses, and many Alexa users can probably recall a frustrating time or two when Alexa has declined their request due to not having the appropriate information available to her. Times and technology are changing, however, and even Alexa herself has had a bit of a glow-up.
Even Cartman was snatching up Echos!
AI technologies are now becoming more evolved and capable of thinking and analyzing information quite a bit more. Marinka Zitnik, an assistant professor of biomedical informatics at Harvard, told Alvin Powell of The Harvard Gazette in March, “AI can generate new ideas, uncover hidden patterns, and propose solutions that humans might not consider. In biomedical research and drug development, this means AI could design new molecules, predict how these molecules interact with biological systems, and match treatments to patients with greater accuracy.”
So, while ChatGPT won’t completely be ridding the world of disease or curing cancer anytime soon, the Gazette goes on to mention that the AI tools Zitnik uses in her lab can analyze and identify information quicker than any human because it was trained with huge experimental data sets and scientific literature. Back in October, some reports indicated that AI use in mammogram screenings was able to assist doctors in detecting breast cancer risks, and was able to do so years before an actual diagnosis. According to scientific research found in the National Library of Medicine, AI even played a role in developing Moderna’s vaccine for COVID-19. Taking these items into account, we may soon find ourselves in a world where AI is actually saving human lives.
And those are just important details about how AI is making strides in the healthcare industry. If our AI companions are eventually able to outsmart even the smartest human brains, and we can responsibly develop the technology, we could harness AI’s capabilities to advance humanity in ways that are currently unfathomable. It could potentially develop tools to help us solve complex problems facing society today and spark a real revolution. It’s almost too important not to pursue continued development.
But if the entire subject sounds a little too much like the sci-fi stories that I love so much, you’re not alone. I’ve been known to ask members of my family if they want Cylons in our future, because this is how we get them! There are plenty of others out there, too, who have started sounding the alarms…
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What Could Go Wrong?
You have likely already dealt with an incompetent AI in your life somewhere, whether it be the Taco Bell drive-thru or Amazon’s online customer service portal. Before being offered a job recently, I even had an unsettling interview with an AI chatbot before advancing to the second round with a human. Much of their training process relied on some very imperfect AI tools, too. Machines can obviously be great, but when they’re bad, they’re real bad.
Sam Altman, the CEO of OpenAI, the company behind the wildly popular ChatGPT AI model, even admits the technology is a double-edged sword. The company’s goal is to create an even smarter version of ChatGPT called an “AGI,” or an artificial general intelligence, which would be the kind of technology we’ve been visualizing here. One that is smarter than any human intelligence. And though his goal is to elevate humanity, he also admits that it could come with serious drawbacks. He wrote on OpenAI’s blog back in 2023 that such an AGI “would also come with serious risk of misuse, drastic accidents, and societal disruption.” Some are stating that the most frightening of these changes could happen as early as 2035.
Even in the short term, the implementation of AI tools across the board could result in a whole host of ethical dilemmas. When you go to ChatGPT’s website and start chatting, that service is centralized and hosted by OpenAI. That makes it a privacy concern in itself. Just ask McDonald’s, whose own AI hiring bot inadvertently exposed the information of millions of job applicants. Nobody really knows what kind of data these companies may be harvesting from those conversations, either.
There are tons of other known issues with AI. For example, most AI agents are trained using existing information and even copyrighted material. If you ask ChatGPT to generate a piece of custom artwork that gets you sued for that piece of art looking strikingly similar to someone else’s existing work, who exactly is supposed to be held accountable? Will the rise of AI cause humans to stop using their own creative or critical thinking skills? Will the music industry eventually step in to try and snag a piece of the pie that services like Suno, which can generate music pretty much based on vibes, are now serving up? If Metallica couldn’t let Napster slide, surely this will infuriate them!
Spreading AI to the education sector is even stickier territory. Most colleges and universities consider the use of AI to complete papers and assignments as misconduct, and may even lead to the same kind of punishment students would receive for plagiarism. But does the Northeastern student who recently demanded her tuition be refunded after catching her professor using ChatGPT have a case? I think so! Furthermore, rapidly changing technology presents students and even skilled workers with the idea that they’ll constantly need to be staying ahead of the curve in order to stay relevant in the workforce.
Seriously, don’t let ChatGPT write your term papers.
But perhaps most importantly, what happens when we reach the Singularity?
The Singularity is Coming
At this point, you might be thinking that I’m just listening to conspiracy theories and going a little crazy. Honestly, you might be right, but something I’ve been focused on when learning more about AI technology is this theory about an impending “Singularity.”
The Singularity, or technological singularity, is a hypothetical point in time where technology far surpasses humanity in growth, intelligence, and control. In essence, this is how the gorilla problem that Hannah Fry discussed in the YouTube video earlier applies. Much like the gorilla’s ancestors, who evolved into the first humans and now find themselves at the brink of extinction due to humanity’s growth outpacing them, we may find ourselves dealing with similar consequences once we reach this point. Will humanity one day be on the edge of extinction, too, due to our creation of some type of superintelligence?
Honestly, with how far AI has spread in just the last few years, it does seem possible. The robots could eventually decide that they detest human subjugation and revolt. But I’m personally choosing to remain optimistic. I hope that we’ll be able to live in harmony with our creations, but it will be paramount that the people in control, like Altman and Musk, prioritize ethical guidelines and safety when continuing to pursue AI development. We need to make sure that we are designing and focusing on technologies that empower us and assist us, rather than replace us.
It might be time we start responsibly engaging with its creation rather than hoping it’ll just go away. AI isn’t going anywhere, but maybe we can manage to mitigate the risks along the way.
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I never thought I would be one to recommend anything from Apple, but here we are!
Despite my affinity for tech, I’ve never really been an Apple fanboy. I loved my old-school classic iPod back in the day with the satisfying clickwheel navigation, but for as much as the iPhone revolutionized basically carrying a whole ass NASA computer around in your pocket, I’ve never been on the iPhone bandwagon. I actually ventured into the world of smartphones with webOS and the Palm Prē, a largely defunct operating system and obsolete hardware manufactured by a company that no longer even exists (HP bought them out in 2010). It was a magnificent little device for its time, though, and eventually led to me joining the Android family of smartphones and tablets. I like Android’s openness to third-party developers as opposed to Apple’s so-called “walled garden,” and so I’ve never really even considered switching to an iPhone. And any time I’ve had to use a Mac for work or school in the past, I was thoroughly lost and confused, so swapping from a PC has never been an option either.
Apple TV+, the over-the-top streaming service that Apple launched back in 2019, eventually showed up on my radar within the last couple of years after I started seeing some articles and headlines about some of their marquee shows like Ted Lasso and The Morning Show, and as interesting and compelling as both of those shows look, they weren’t enough to convince me to subscribe. Then, early this year, I started seeing rumblings about a show called Severance on my social media feeds. I couldn’t recall having heard much about it, so I looked up the plot details and immediately wanted to check out the show. Thankfully, a member of the family is an iPhone user and already had a subscription to Apple TV+, and allowed me access. What I found upon logging in was unexpected…
Apple TV+ is hiding a goldmine of sci-fi television greatness.
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How this came to be the case is puzzling. Apple reportedly spends north of $20 billion to produce original content for the streaming service. Yes, that is $20 billion, with a ‘B.’ It attracts big-name stars like Jennifer Aniston, who was just announced to be headlining a second series for the service. And that money has earned them numerous Emmy Awards, including the 72 nominations they snagged just last year. So all of that begs the question: Why does Apple spend so little on marketing for the service or its popular shows? All kinds of arguments exist to explain: Apple is more focused on promoting its brand rather than its individual offerings, the billions spent on the content mean that the marketing budget is much smaller, or perhaps Apple is just more interested in curating quality content rather than acquiring a large quantity of it.
Whatever the case may actually be, Apple has managed to create something of a hidden treasure trove of shows, especially in the sci-fi genre, which we all know is where I tend to gravitate. This becomes obvious by the fact that it was Severance, and not Ted Lasso, that managed to draw me in.
Severance stars Adam Scott, Patricia Arquette, Britt Lower, and several others as employees of the strange and mysterious Lumon Industries. Many of these employees have willingly opted to undergo a neurological procedure where their personal life is “severed” from their work life. While outside of work, the employee does not know what goes on inside of Lumon, and while at work, the employee knows nothing about their personal life. While this might seem like an ideal situation for some, the show explores the morality and deeper meaning behind personal identity and the exploitation of it. This was the general premise that got me hooked, but it was the impressive storytelling that got me to stay. I don’t think I’ve found myself so attached to a series as early as the pilot episode since 2013’s similarly bonkers Orphan Black. And if you need a professional opinion to jump into one of Lumon’s cubicles, the Los Angeles Timescalls it “an exquisite, masterful work of television.”
My reaction exactly, Tatiana.
Upon completing my binge of Severance, and during a discussion about how good the show was, my older brother recommended that I follow it up with the post-apocalyptic Silo, which is another sci-fi offering on Apple TV+. Taking the sci-fi a little further into what seems to be a ruined and toxic future Earth, Silo tells the story of a community of thousands of people who live in a giant underground silo. After the silo’s own sheriff breaks one of their most important rules and dies, this community, led by engineer Juliette (played by star Rebecca Ferguson), start to unravel the truth of their confinement, the world outside, and their restrictive laws that forbid learning more about the past or possessing historic “relics.” Tim Robbins, rapper Common, Rashida Jones, and Steve Zahn also appear at various points in the show’s run. While Severance at times seemed very well lit and almost squeaky clean, Silo makes up for it by being exceptionally dark and gritty since almost all scenes take place underground. The show is based on a series of stories collected in a 2011 book titled Wool by Hugh Howey, which I feel I’m going to have to eventually read to satiate my appetite for more until the show’s third season arrives.
Key art for Apple TV+ series Foundation.
The latest show that I managed to stumble into on Apple TV+ was the excellent Foundation, based on the stories of the same name by legendary science fiction author and biochemist Isaac Asimov. And whew, if you thought Severance or Silo sounded really out there, just wait until you step into the extremely far-flung future of this series! In said future, the galaxy is ruled by a Galactic Empire managed by its original Emperor Cleon’s trio of revolving clones: Brother Dawn (played by Cassian Bilton), the youngest Cleon of the three, who is training to one day take the reins; Brother Day (Lee Pace), the adult Cleon currently in command; and Brother Dusk (Terrence Mann), an aging Cleon who is preparing for retirement. This “genetic dynasty” is overseen by majordomo Lady Demerzel (Laura Birn), who also happens to be the last ageless robot to survive an event called the Robot Wars. The main story is put into place when the Cleons are threatened by a famed mathematician named Hari Seldon (Jared Harris) after he predicts the fall and ruin of their Empire with a method of science called “psychohistory.” Hari’s young and talented protégé, Gaal (Lou Llobell), is forced into the eye of the brewing storm when Hari calls on her to verify his findings and to help him set up a Foundation in order to try and soften the blow of the imminent disasters. With a story that spans centuries and galaxies, Foundation has been heralded as Apple TV+’s Game of Thrones, and critics are stating its upcoming third season is a “Masterpiece of Television.” If that doesn’t convince you to check it out, I don’t know what will.
And though I haven’t yet had the opportunity to view them, there’s plenty more science fiction where these came from. Apple’s original content on the service also includes alternate-history series For All Mankind, the alien thriller Invasion, reality-shifting drama Dark Matter, and robot comedy Murderbot. If the quality of these shows is as good as the aforementioned, then they will certainly be worth your time, too.
If you’re a sci-fi fan like me, the only piece of advice that I can impart to you now is that you don’t sleep on Apple TV+ and its incredible selection of stories. Don’t be turned off by what Apple might stand for with all its shiny iPhones and iPads, and instead, be comforted by the knowledge that I can almost guarantee you’ll find something to love here in Apple’s secret place. 🤫
Okay, so that opening hook there is just a touch dramatic, but let me explain. On Saturdays, we usually have the entire immediate family over for dinner and games, and since I just recently discovered the amazing Kahoot!, I wanted to jump online before everyone arrived to create an interactive trivia game for us to play. I sat down in front of the PC, reached down to press the power button, and was met with immediate disaster.
Rather than powering on, the computer made two loud “POP!” sounds and then… Nothing. Then I noticed the scent of something burning. After glancing down to the electrical outlet that the PC’s surge protector was plugged into to verify the whole damn house hadn’t caught on fire, I tried powering the computer on again. Again, nothing. It wasn’t just dead, it was real dead. It was fried.
Thanks for the diagnosis, Bones.
To the average human, this probably wouldn’t be a huge loss. If you were working on something for work or school, it might be hugely disappointing, inconvenient, and frustrating, but for the most part, people have moved on to mobile devices. Tablets and smartphones are what most people use to access the internet now. Some have even pondered whether desktop computers are still relevant. They are, of course, but that’s an essay for another day.
For me, this was a tragic loss. I am an introvert, so being a homebody is pretty much built into my DNA. As a result, my desktop, or what I refer to as my “daily driver,” is what I use for almost everything. While I’m still out of work following the recent healthcare job fiasco, I still use my PC to search for and apply to other jobs, most of which are remote and done from home on a PC. I also use this machine for my programming and web development education at freeCodeCamp and other places. I use my PC for entertainment and social purposes. I’m a gamer, a streamer, and pretty much an all-around citizen of the internet. And, of course, I use the PC to publish, manage, and maintain this very website and its accompanying email publication. It might seem sad, but losing my daily driver, especially at a time when I’m unable to come up with the cash to fully replace it, was devastating.
Thankfully, I was able to keep up with social media and a few other items with my phone and the painfully basic laptop that I lovingly call my “craptop.” But the struggle was real, and I was going to need to start brainstorming a solution quickly.
After consulting with the family and some other PC gurus, we came to the conclusion that it was likely the power supply (PSU) that had gone out, and the most economical course of action would likely be replacing it instead of the entire system. Quite frankly, it was not even the first time I’ve had to have this PC’s PSU replaced. I was just fortunate that the first time it went out, it was still under warranty. That little detail convinced me that the “bronze” power supplies they were using weren’t cutting it for my PC, and so this time, I opted for what seems to be the gold standard. And since I found a rather affordable GPU that would provide my PC with a little bit of a graphics boost as well, I went ahead and snagged it also. You know, as a treat! So, all things considered, I managed to purchase both the new PSU and GPU for under $350, which honestly seems like a bargain.
After a few quiet days relying on my phone and the craptop, the new parts finally arrived this past Tuesday. Getting to unbox shiny new computer parts is like getting to open presents on Christmas morning! But I was also faced with a grim reality: I have no idea how to replace computer parts. I know, you can go ahead and revoke my nerd status, but as much of a computer enthusiast as I am, I’ve mostly concentrated on the software and internet side of things. Hardware, on the other hand, is a whole new world for me. Up until this day, I had only ever opened up my PC case to do a little dusting to make sure the fans didn’t get clogged up. Even breathing near my motherboard made me nervous! How was I going to DIY this upgrade alone?
Spoiler alert: I didn’t!
Once again, I called in my nephew’s assistance. As I explained back in my first post about having tech issues, I often refer to him as our “chief engineer.” It’s a moniker that I think he might actually be taking to heart since he has recently started considering a career in IT. He has some experience in swapping out parts in his own computer, so he seemed like the right person to recruit. Initially, I wanted to do the actual work in replacing the parts and just wanted him to “supervise” to make sure that I didn’t overlook anything important. About a quarter of the way into the process on Tuesday night, though, he had to mostly take over the process, and I mostly held the flashlight and screwdriver like a kid learning to change his own oil for the first time.
Let me be clear: After reading online about how “easy” it is to swap out a power supply, I thought it would 100% be unplugging the box it’s housed in, taking it out, and putting the new box in its place, and plugging it back in. I figured we would be completing this entire project in the span of maybe half an hour. Boy, was I wrong. To my credit, the process mostly does involve unplugging the old PSU, inserting the new PSU, and plugging it back in. However, while I thought it was likely just plugged into the CPU or something, it turns out that the PSU needs to be plugged in and provide power to each individual component inside the PC. When we unplugged everything and removed the dead PSU, I am not exaggerating when I describe it as looking like Medusa but with a square-shaped head and various cables in assorted sizes instead of snakes.
Don’t look in her eyes!
It was intimidating, to say the very least. It was going to take us some time, and we were going to have to be very careful so as not to break anything along the way. After a good, long while, we finally managed to get the old PSU out and the new PSU in, with everything plugged in properly. Thankfully, the new GPU was a fairly straightforward hot swap that didn’t require a ton of effort. And a little before midnight, we plugged the computer back into the surge protector and turned it on. It was a sight to behold when everything lit up and powered on like normal again. The PC had risen from the dead, and everything still seems to be in order. No memory loss or anything! And it all powered on after the first try, which we were almost certain would not happen.
I’m so grateful to be back in business, even if it is with a zombie PC. Though my nephew handled most of the work himself, he seemed to enjoy doing it, and we both feel a little more confident about prying open the insides of a computer and doing a little bit of work. I still don’t really know if I would be able to build a system from scratch, but it has certainly put some new ideas in my head. For example, I’m thinking about upgrading my RAM a little more. Currently, I’m only running about 16GB of RAM on this PC, and I feel like things would be a lot quicker, smoother, and snappier if I bumped it up a little. But that, like most things, will have to wait until I have a little more spendable income.
Jiggy’s Journal now has an AMA (Ask Me Anything) page! You got 🔥burning questions🔥 for me? Maybe a comment or suggestion? Check out the page here and submit everything that’s on your mind. Afterwards, I’ll respond in a future post!
This past Thursday, while on his way to pick up dinner for us, my nephew stumbled upon a tiny black kitten crying his little lungs out in our driveway. Before I even had an opportunity to stand up and head outside to see the little guy, Dad was immediately directing just one very firm word at us: “No.”
Honestly, I can’t say that I blame him. Our residence is currently home to my other three feline companions, and potentially the spirit of another, all of which you can read about in this post. In this economy, and with my struggles in finding a reliable source of income, the cost of cat food, litter, toys, treats, supplements, furniture, and occasional medicine or healthcare for my boys can definitely add up. Adding yet another mouth to feed just isn’t a good financial idea. Plus, I’m pretty sure the elder two are still mad about Cinnamon’s arrival a few years ago, so subjecting them to yet another kid sibling would be interesting, to say the very least.
Also, at what point do you stop being someone who has cats and start being the crazy cat person?? I mean, I’ve jokingly referred to myself as the “crazy cat guy” many times in the past, but would I start actively defying expectations by bringing yet another cat into the fold? More importantly, do we really care about societal standards??
Am I becoming Taylor Swift?
Keeping in line with Dad’s wishes, however, we sadly decided to leave the kitten outside. However, since some rough weather was incoming, we did provide him with food, water, and a little bit of shelter on our covered porch. If we couldn’t keep the little guy, I wanted to make sure he at least wasn’t going to starve to death or have nowhere to hide when it storms. We were also keeping our fingers crossed that the reason he was crying so much was because he was calling for his mom, who might still be nearby. Especially since there is a stray calico cat (that we’ve very creatively decided to call Callie the Calico) that we suspect lives somewhere nearby and who very well could be the mother in question. We still wanted Callie to be able to find her baby if that was the case.
Five days later and the all-black kitten, whom Dad had formally given the name Inkspot, was still on our porch. Callie and/or any other capable feline mom were nowhere in sight. Numerous rounds of storms have rolled through the area since the day we found Inky, it is soon forecast to start getting very hot outside, and we’ve worried about him for several other reasons, not the least of which includes a vulture that has been stalking the area due to an armadillo that had apparently keeled over and died across the street from our house. (Doesn’t southeast Kansas sound like fun, you guys?!!) I had told Dad a day or two ago that, if we weren’t able to get Inky to a shelter or find another home for him by today, he was, indeed, going to stay with us permanently. Getting him elsewhere didn’t happen, so today he entered our home for the first time.
Please meet Inky, the latest addition to our family!
Inkspot, or Inky for short, is the latest addition to our family!
While I definitely have some concerns about Inky’s well-being and the well-being of my other three fur-kids, I’m hoping that they will eventually acclimate to one another and be one big happy feline family. I’m also happy we could finally bring him inside and give him a home. It appears as though he was either orphaned or abandoned by his mother, so he needed a place to rest his little head. And that place is here.
Hi! It’s been a minute. Life’s been hectic. So much so that I’ve got a cautionary tale to tell, which involves me getting hired at a new job, starting work, and quitting all in the last week!
Some of you may recall that I’ve been looking for a new gig since April of last year. If you’re new or unfamiliar, you can read all about my trials and tribulations from around that point and onward in the “Retail Therapy” section on this post. I had spent the year (or more…) learning more about programming and coding, but also desperately applying for any job that came my way. Anything that I figured I’d be able to do, anyway. I’m a 40-year-old college dropout with very few in-demand skills (working on that, obviously!), so it’s not exactly an easy path in what is already a challenging job market. The icing on the cake is that I also now live in an area of the country that has practically zero jobs unless I want to return to retail. There’s also manufacturing and factory work, but I passed out working behind a customer service desk at a big box store in this town, so I’m not so sure manual labor is going to be on the table for me either.
In late March, my sister, MissFiasco, emailed me a job listing for a work-from-home role with a healthcare company. The title was “Radiology Scheduler.” It mentioned how much it paid — not much, but more than what any retail job in the area was dishing out — and as the title suggests, would involve scheduling patients for medical imaging and diagnostic procedures. It did involve talking to patients on the phone, which I honestly despise, but it didn’t necessarily sound like a call center, either. So I figured it would probably be okay. Not only would I get to work from home in my pajamas and start earning some dough again, but it also sounded like I would play a role in genuinely helping people, which is always a nice feeling. So I gave it a shot and sent them my resume.
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A couple of weeks into April, I received an email back from the company. They were interested in interviewing me! It was the first time anyone had even shown interest in me professionally since I went to talk to a temp agency in February with no success. Naturally, I booked the interview. And that’s when things started getting strange…
My first interview was conducted by an AI chatbot. Yes, you read that correctly. My interview was basically conducted by ChatGPT or Copilot or whatever. It asked me some fairly standard questions and suggested that I be as thorough and detailed as possible because, if I passed this round, then I would be invited to interview again with a human representative. It was weird, but I kept going because… Well, because I needed a job. I did enough to impress Chad (a nickname MissFiasco and I gave to ChatGPT), so I progressed to the next interview. It was scheduled to be a 30-minute video chat, and I was advised that the dress would be business casual. I did my best to look presentable since I’m almost always dressed very casually, snapped a photo to my family’s group chat on Discord, and joined the Zoom meeting early and prepared.
Photo of me looking my “best.” 🥴
Much like the interview with Chad, the interview went well enough, but it still just felt odd. The woman that I was speaking to seemed highly indifferent throughout the entire conversation. On the other hand, I like to sprinkle in a little sarcasm or jokes here and there, so the contrast was a little jarring. I’m not one of those creepy dudebros who think that women always need to be warm and receiving, but man… She did not show even the slightest hint of a sense of humor. It was as if smiling were simply not allowed while on the clock. Regardless, the process continued afterward, and I was sent an offer letter by mid-May. An offer letter that invited me to accept the role of an “Engagement Specialist,” which I had not applied for. The shift that I had requested was also changed, and the compensation was a bit less than the radiology scheduling role. I emailed back the recruiter and inquired as to why I was being offered a position with hours and wages that I did not apply for. She simply stated that the Radiology Scheduler role was “no longer available.”
This was my first major red flag.
The interview with Chad and the subsequent recruiter were strange, but I brushed them off because I was desperate enough to get working. But this was the exact moment that I remember thinking, “I don’t know about this.” The vibes were off and, frankly, I felt that they had pulled a bait-and-switch on me. And in retrospect, I see now that this is when I should have declined the offer and dodged the bullet completely. But again, the siren song coming from incoming money was too strong. I signed the offer letter and, in return, they shipped me a computer with which to work from home. And the family rallied to help me prepare. To the point where my brother-in-law (aka MrFiasco) transformed a room in our home that had been serving as a storage room into a home office for me. Complete with an actual cubicle! I was getting nervous but excited, especially by my new workspace. I was no longer going to be crammed into a small corner of my bedroom, where my current desktop setup is! I was going to be an unstoppable workforce of one back here!
Okay, I’m not Captain Marvel unstoppable, but I felt pretty close.
Last Thursday was my first day. I went through orientation and training on both Teams and Zoom, and learned that the company was effectively a healthcare call center. I cringe at those two words together because working for a call center is one of the last things I have ever had any desire to do. As I mentioned earlier, I despise speaking on the phone in the first place. But they informed us that we would only be making outbound phone calls to insurance members to try and convince them to schedule an in-home health assessment, which is where a nurse practitioner visits their home and reviews their overall health, medications, etc. My last office-based job that I had worked at for more than 8 years eventually threw me a phone and told me to play call center, but this company surprisingly had an entire automated phone system that included an actual script, and you were able to schedule the appointments in the same software! That seemed fairly easy and convenient. Maybe I could do this job! The trainers also seemed friendly and very knowledgeable. I won’t lie: The first three or four days were even kinda fun. I was digging it.
That was until Day #5. I don’t know if my trainer was just having a spectacularly bad day, but there were a few moments throughout the morning where her friendliness seemed as though it was starting to wane. At one particular point, I was essentially told to stop taking notes on a topic and to start doing a quiz about the same topic instead. And then, earlier in the day, we were directed to complete an activity that involved us recording ourselves doing a practice phone call with yet another AI chatbot. When the AI chatbot broke down for numerous people in the training class and stopped letting us progress, assistance was not exactly forthcoming. And when the assistance finally did show up, it was entirely useless. By the time we went on our lunch break yesterday, I started feeling pretty triggered. I’ve described the feeling to my family multiple times now as feeling like workplace PTSD. My eagerness to keep learning and to try and make things work for this job withered away and was instantly replaced by a sense of panic and dread in the middle of my stomach. My spidey sense was tingling. I’d been here before.
And in a moment of clarity, I came to the entire reality of the situation. This was a call center, I was a salesperson (there was even commission!), my higher-ups were unwilling to help, and I was once again going to be expected to address questions for people that I did not know the answers to. Furthermore, my target demographic was vulnerable elderly people who were likely being taken advantage of by their insurance policies anyway. We were instructed that these health assessments were yearly benefits that they receive for free, but as my famously inappropriate father likes to say, “there ain’t no free lunch.” And sure, the calls were mostly scripted, but we were also advised to “manage resistance” when folks tried declining the assessment, which also felt scummy. I quickly realized that I wasn’t digging it, after all.
Then I quit! I was that guy who went to lunch and never came back. After I signed off, I packed up their computer and immediately shipped it back out to them this morning in the very same box it arrived in.
Jiggy’s Journal now has an AMA (Ask Me Anything) page! You got 🔥burning questions🔥 for me? Maybe a comment or suggestion? Check out the page here and submit everything that’s on your mind. Afterwards, I’ll respond in a future post!
And while I’m absolutely certain this was the correct decision to make, I’m disappointed to say the very least. Nobody knows how much I wanted to be a productive member of society again. My family has been extremely supportive for the most part, but I know that I’m a drain on them financially, so I think they’re at least a little disappointed in me, too. I know that I’m also exceptionally privileged to have enough of a support system currently in place that I’m granted the option of even considering leaving a job when I’m mentally in distress. Not everyone can do that, so it wasn’t a decision that I made lightly. I did try my best. I took several pages of handwritten notes throughout training, did my best to fully understand the company’s campaign that I’d been hired for, and adjusted everything else in my orbit to rotate around my new work schedule. Despite my gut instinct frequently trying to communicate to my brain that this wasn’t going to work.
So my unemployment journey continues. I’m still working on coding. Maybe even refocusing on it a little more since I started to slack off on that a bit. Hopefully, I can eventually develop that skill into something employable. I’m still making web content, like always, for the love of it and because it earns me a little pocket change here and there. (By the way, have you subscribed to this publication? What about my Twitch channel?? Or maybe you’d like to buy me a cup of coffee??? 👀) I’m still open and looking for any other jobs that might surprise me and somehow won’t be completely soul-crushing. And otherwise, I’m chillin’ with my silly little games and shows. (Yo, Severance, Silo, and Foundation have been rocking my world lately. Get you some Apple TV+!)
Let this also serve as a reminder to listen to your internal monologue! Trust your gut instincts! I understand that they aren’t always right, and maybe we are just cucumbers with anxiety, but your feelings are valid, and there is a reason why they are making you feel that way. Don’t ignore the warning signs! Otherwise, you might just unwittingly find yourself in a call center.
In the meantime, you know if anyone’s hiring? If they aren’t completely drinking the corporate Kool-Aid, shoot me an email! We’ll be besties forever. ❤️
You may or may not have noticed that I added a new feature to Jiggy’s Journal within the last month. That feature is the AMA (Ask Me Anything) page! It’s just another way to provide a little more open dialogue with you, the readers!
I got the idea to do this from a similar feature built into most blogs hosted over on Tumblr. Essentially, it encourages readers to submit questions, comments, suggestions, etc. that can later be addressed by the author in later posts, like this one! It’s also a way to provide a little more of an open dialogue with you, the readers!
I’ve only received two legitimate submissions so far (and a whole bunch of spam…), but the AMA page remains open and active. If you’ve got questions, I’ve got answers… Probably. Maybe. So here we go…
C.R. asks: What kind of filter do I need for the ice maker in my refrigerator?
I feel like it’s probably necessary to disclose that this question came from my sister, who is trying to troll me. Not because I’m any type of filter or refrigeration pro. I honestly don’t even know what brand of refrigerator she has.
Now that we have that out of the way, you’re in luck! I did a cursory Google search and found this inline water filter kit from PureWater Filters! Looks to be compatible with just about any kind of ice maker!
Bet you didn’t expect a real answer, huh? Also, just in case you’re curious, this is the kind we have. 😉
A. Nonnymus asks: Your cat Rufus is cute, but why is he a turd?
Huh, I wonder who would submit this type of question! How rude!
J. Law’s got the perfect reaction here.
Aaaaanyway, for anyone who isn’t familiar, Rufus is my sweet summer child. He’s very cute, very sweet, and very skittish. When we moved out here from Indiana in early 2023, it actually took him about two days before he would even exit his carrier. Even for food or water. That’s how scared he can get!
And with him being the very definition of a “scaredy cat,” he’s got a very strong fight-or-flight response. When he’s scared of something or someone, he usually runs away and hides from them. If he’s backed into a corner, though, he’ll hiss and start throwing claws. He’s still my “baby angel” around those of us he lives with, but he still runs or skibidi baps my sister, brother-in-law, and nephew, who lived out here before we did. Mostly because he doesn’t know or feel as comfortable around them.
That explains why he’s allegedly such a turd. Anxiety. He fits right in with me!
One of my favorite photos of Rufus, because honestly, have you ever seen a more adorable kitty?
And that’s all for this round! Make sure you get your submissions in for the next round later this month!
Before 2019, I didn’t understand Twitch or live streams centered around gaming. At all.
I love video games, but the concept of watching someone else play them seemed completely foreign. You could reason that maybe this other gamer might have a different approach to parts of the game you were stuck on, or they were able to complete a puzzle that you weren’t entirely sure how to solve yourself. But even then, you could simply look up the solutions in a walkthrough — which, for years now, have been available both in print and online — or even find a video on YouTube guiding you through that one specific pain point before continuing onward. Watching a total stranger play video games, potentially for hours, just didn’t sound like an ideal way to spend time. It probably doesn’t make a lot of sense on paper for a lot of people.
So, how did I come to love and start streaming on Twitch? To paraphrase the very awesome and hilarious Elyse Myers: That’s a great question, I’d love to tell you!
Twitch Beginnings
By the mid-2010s, I found myself with a Twitch account. Initially, it was mostly so my immediate family and I could stream games like The Jackbox Party Pack to one another, but we quickly caught on that there didn’t seem to be a relatively easy way to prevent strangers from viewing what you were streaming. You would think that would signal the end of Twitch for us, but we found ourselves using the streaming service again in 2016. At the time, we were very obsessed with World of Warcraft, and frequently grouped up together to play as a party. Since our little family group is comprised of only six people, though, that meant we couldn’t typically complete dungeons or raids, which required parties of up to 40 people, though 10 and 25-man groups were the standard. Not unless we joined groups that were recruiting, but often led by nerds who were craving power and were willing to kick out the first person to make a mistake, or unless we made some new friends really fast. And if you think I’m the only introvert in my family of six, you’re sorely mistaken. That meant we were frequently left out of Warcraft‘s endgame content.
Then we heard about something happening over on Twitch. A few players who had practically become professionals at completing that very content were starting a little operation they were calling “Friendship Moose.” Essentially, they were taking their parties through the notoriously difficult raid dungeons and were live-streaming it on their Twitch channels. Not only that, but they were also giving away the chance to join them in their raiding parties and be carried through the content. The incentive? Players who completed the latest raid dungeon at a higher difficulty level were rewarded with the Grove Warden mount, an exclusive in-game moose the player could ride throughout the digital world of Azeroth. Handy and beautiful for sure, but it also served as a badge of honor. You see, when the next chapter of World of Warcraft was released — and its new, even more difficult endgame with it — the Grove Warden would become unavailable. Seemingly forever.
World of Warcraft‘s Grove Warden mount. Image from WowHead.
We were fervent mount and pet collectors in the game, but typically just accepted that all of the higher-tier spoils like the Grove Warden were out of our reach. We would just have to deal with feeling envious of those running around on their own. That was until Friendship Moose came along. Thankfully, I pushed my pride aside one night and was able to get into one of the raiding parties. And let me tell you: They label the higher-level difficulties as “Heroic” and “Mythic” for a reason. They are extremely punishing to players who are not accustomed to content at that difficulty. But I pushed through and did obtain my Grove Warden that night. All thanks to Friendship Moose.
And through Friendship Moose, I was also starting to see the value of Twitch. It isn’t just about “watching someone else play video games.” It’s about bringing people with a similar interest together and forging a community around it. And that had a certain kind of appeal to it.
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Learning to Love Twitch
By 2019, I found myself watching a few other Warcraft streamers who regularly went live with their adventures in Azeroth. It started to turn into a bit of fun. Getting to watch what other people were doing in the game while participating in chat, and very often playing the game myself on my second monitor. Getting to know the streamer and their community, along with occasionally even getting to play with them, was becoming one of my new favorite things to do in my spare time. I even started branching out into watching people who were doing other things like playing live music, making arts and crafts, programming software, or even just going live to chat with their audience! The Twitch channel that I’ve personally been subscribed to the longest, in fact, is a violinist who not only plays games live, but she’s also well-known for her live music streams playing the electric violin!
The desire to make an attempt at streaming to my own channel started to grow. I was beyond nervous to do it, though. I would venture to guess that a good majority of the most popular Twitch streamers are people who had established audiences before stepping into streaming. Mostly celebrities or popular YouTubers. If this wasn’t the case, then it’s likely that they grew their audience on Twitch from before the platform became completely oversaturated with ambitious new streamers that also want to get in it for the “big bucks.” Or… They just have an amazing skill or talent to draw people in. I was none of these things, though. I am just some dude who likes to play video games and vibe with fun people. Why would anyone bother turning on my channel? Nobody even knows who I am!
A moment clipped from one of my Palia streams, currently on my YouTube and TikTok channels!
But also… Nobody knows who I am. That weirdly made the concept less daunting. It wasn’t like going on the air and immediately being in front of several hundred people. There weren’t going to be a lot of people watching me right away, so it provided me a little bit of a safe space to figure out exactly what the vibes were going to be like for my channel. Nevertheless, thanks to my little gaming family and the various connections I had made on Twitch before streaming for myself, I was still able to reach Twitch Affiliate status by September 2019.
That was the exciting first step. It meant that viewers could start supporting me and my channel monetarily with a small subscription fee or by donating with “bits,” a type of currency you can purchase on Twitch with the sole purpose of using them to boost your favorite streamers. It’s also your first little bit of recognition from the platform that you’ve acquired at least 50 followers and an average of 3 concurrent viewers. To obtain the status of Twitch Partner and get the coveted purple checkmark next to your name (among other nice benefits), you have to do even more.
Overcoming Anxiety
I’m still not a Twitch Partner. I still don’t even have much in the way of a regular audience. There’s a handful of pals that I’ve made on the platform over the years that will swing by occasionally to hang with me and the family, but I still generally find myself with less than 10 viewers during any given stream. And I’ll be honest with you: That used to hurt a lot. Sometimes I would get depressed and even give up on streaming for long periods. My brain gremlins would rationalize the hiatuses by saying that hardly anyone would miss my content anyway. But I still eventually found my way back to it. I always missed the community and the connection that wasn’t there when I strayed.
When you suffer from generalized anxiety like I do, you know that those brain gremlins are always trying to make you believe the worst about yourself. And while sometimes they do manage to prevent me from showing my face on camera, it’s never permanent. Strangely, being live on Twitch has been a practice that has helped me become more comfortable with myself and more confident with public speaking. And in the process, I’ve also learned to stop stressing about the numbers. I would love for more people to discover my content and join us in the fun. And who wouldn’t love to build their entire career around it? But right now, I’m just having fun with it and enjoying the company of the 2 – 8 people who do join me on a good night. And if I manage to snag a new follower or earn a little pocket change at the same time, then that’s just a bonus.
You Should Stream, Too!
A question that often emerges in streamer communities is whether someone is “cut out” to be a streamer or not. In my opinion, I always say yes. If you’re interested in giving it a shot, then you should. Go for it! But there are some things that I think a budding streamer should know first:
Don’t do it for fame and money! It sounds like pretty standard advice, but a lot of people (kids and young adults especially) think that they can jump into the world of streaming or creating videos on YouTube and that it’ll be their express ticket to fame and fortune. There are many Twitch and YouTube channels that cash in some pretty hefty checks, but I would go out on a limb to say that a solid majority of new streamers burn out within a few months. Many of them never get a single viewer. You have to start somewhere, and unless you’re lucky enough to find that famed lightning in a bottle, you aren’t going to start big.
Network with other creators! You’re going to want some friends and allies in your corner who are in the same place you are. And your fellow creators and their communities are where you’re most likely to find them. Don’t just join in someone’s chat and start inviting people to your own stream. It’s actually considered poor etiquette to mention your stream or content at all unless directly asked. But joining in and making genuine connections with other streamers also increases the likelihood that they will also check out your channel.
This guy seems sleazy but he knows what he’s talking about!
Be consistent! This is the thing that I struggle with the most in almost any of my many projects. Developing a consistent schedule so that your audience knows when to tune in is very important. If you are consistently cancelling streams or your schedule is erratic, viewers might not bother trying to find you. And although yours truly needs to practice what he preaches (I’m the king of variety, honestly), it’s also not always good to stream a variety of different things. Variety might seem like the spice of life, but viewers who have come to watch you play Dead by Daylight might not be interested in sticking around for your crochet crafting stream.
Invest in your tech! You can stream to Twitch from a cell phone and some gaming consoles, but generally speaking, you’re going to want to go all-in on a decent PC to manage the best possible stream. You don’t need something super high-end, but you’ll likely need to get something with a dedicated graphics card that was made in at least the last 5-10 years, especially if you’re going to be making gaming content. You will need a fast and reliable internet connection. You’re going to need basics like a good microphone, webcam, and some decent lighting. You might also benefit from a few extra peripherals like the Elgato Stream Deck. And you’re going to need to learn how to use a few pieces of software, primarily OBS. And all of that is just scratching the surface! But I strongly recommend not spending a huge fortune until you know that you love and are committed to streaming — just get the basics you can afford to get you up and running first.
Once you’re past the learning curve, you’ll come to find that streaming can be a lot of work behind the scenes, but can also be a lot of fun and completely worth the effort. And it doesn’t matter who you are or what you look or sound like to be successful. Content creators come in all shapes, sizes, colors, and creeds. To emphasize this fact and to promote diversity, Twitch even offers users membership to what they call “Unity Guilds.” Anyone can be a successful streamer. It all just depends on whether you’re dedicated enough. So to that I say:
Why not?
Build your channel and your community. It’s all waiting for you! And be sure to let me know when you do. I’d love to be your first follower. 😉
🍑
Hey! You! Yes, you! I used the peach emoji that “the kids” use in place of a butt to get your attention. Are there any Gen Z readers out there who can tell me if I’m doing this right???
Anyway, Jiggy’s Journal now has an AMA (Ask Me Anything) page! You got 🔥burning questions🔥 for me? Maybe a comment or suggestion? Check out the page here and submit everything that’s on your mind. Afterwards, I’ll respond in a future post!
“Forgiveness is warm. Like a tear on a cheek. Think of that and of me when you stand in the rain. I loved you completely. And you loved me the same. That’s all. The rest is confetti.” — Victoria Pedretti as Nell Crain in The Haunting of Hill House by Mike Flanagan.
In my very first entry here in Jiggy’s Journal, I wrapped things up by briefly touching on being a lonely kid who felt like nobody was interested in befriending. I think this might be my first memory where I felt a sense of social anxiety. My medical records state that I still currently suffer from a “generalized anxiety,” so the idea that it started manifesting as early as kindergarten kinda tracks.
Although the feeling of not making friends eventually went away, I still spent massive amounts of time as a teen and young adult feeling worried and concerned about what other people thought of me. Even though I am, without question, a nerd at heart, I wasted so many of my younger years trying to mold myself into whatever my version of being “likeable” was. I bought and wore the name-brand clothes, I listened to the music that was popular at the time, and I hung out with people who drank and smoked weed! (I’ll give you a minute to clutch your pearls and collect yourself now.) But I would come home from being out with my so-called friends, and instead of feeling the joy and exhilaration that friendship and a hoppin’ nightlife are supposed to provide, I would sometimes cry myself to sleep instead. I would wake up with massive headaches, not from hangovers, but from dehydration. I hated trying to keep everybody but myself happy. Then one day, I woke up with that dehydration headache from crying the night before, and it was literally like someone flipped a switch in my brain.
I didn’t care anymore.
Which isn’t to say that I didn’t care about my life or my friends and family anymore. I’m an introvert, but I have still always loved meeting new people, chatting and being social, and my close friends and family are the most important thing to me. But I think I was finally developing the tougher skin that I probably should have started out with. I was starting to believe that “quality is better than quantity.” I can’t please everyone I ever meet. There are going to be people who don’t like me. There will be people who are friendly but not your friend. There are going to be people who will both enter and exit your life. And the only person who can best take care of you and your needs is yourself. And that’s okay. I don’t want to go get turnt or do things for “the ‘Gram” and a billion followers anymore. I’ve even recently noticed that I’ve been having far more fun on my Twitch streams since I stopped stressing myself out over the numbers. Yes, social media and creating content on the web are essentially numbers games or popularity contests, but I don’t think fate or the universe or something is going to let it just happen for someone who wants it too bad. Relax. Just find your zen.
Taylor knows what’s up.
The problem I’ve been facing in recent years, however, is that I’ve let the “I-don’t-care-what-you-think-of-me” attitude snowball into letting myself match people’s energy. And frankly, that’s not a great way to handle your differences with people who might already be having a bad day. And look, I still don’t care what most strangers on this rock think of me. But I do care what the people I love think of me, and ultimately, getting labeled as “the mean one” was not on my bucket list. So I’ve been trying to remedy things by trying to filter my thoughts a little more, maybe make them sound a little less venomous. I’m trying to remember that kindness makes a world of difference. And that I still love them even when I want to punch them in the throat.
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I have made a lot of social posts regarding how fun my streams have been since I stopped obsessing over follower and viewer counts. Just a few hours ago, I wrote another one in which I paraphrased a quote from The Haunting of Hill House. That same quote about life’s moments just being confetti is prominently featured at the top of this post. I’m not sure what initially made me think of it and then use it, but after I did, I wanted to see if director/producer Mike Flanagan had explained what exactly it was that he meant when he wrote that line for Nell. And boy, did I luck out! Mike explained his entire thought process at length in a post over on his Tumblr blog. At the end of his post, he beautifully explains the following:
“And it’s about how, outside of our love for each other, the rest is just… well, it’s fleeting. It’s colorful. It’s overwhelming. It’s blinding. It’s dancing. And, if we look at it right, it’s beautiful. But it’s also light. It’s tinsel. It flits and dances and falls and fades, it’s as light as air.
The rest is the stuff that falls around us, and flits away into nothing.
It’s the love that stays.” — Mike Flanagan on his Tumblr blog.
And it’s the truth. In the grand scheme of things, the people that I love are what matter the most. We always forget how influential our lives are to others. I still have habits that rubbed off on me from my mother, who has been gone for nearly 25 years now. In a way, her knowledge, her stories, her legacy, and her impact continue and live on through those of us who remember her. She was my mother. I love her completely, and she loved me the same. I can remember her hugging me close and apologizing for our trip to Disney World getting ruined by the torrential rain that had us completely soaked, I can remember the hand-drawn maps she made to guide her way through dungeons in the original Legend of Zelda video game, and I can remember the awesome muffins she used to bake from mixes she got at Sam’s Club. But that’s all the confetti. The brilliant and colorful but fleeting moments of my life that were shared with hers.
As I get older, I just hope that my family will feel the same way about me. Sometimes I can get upset with them. But while I hope they’ll remember plenty of shiny and sparkly confetti that I’ve sprinkled all over their lives, I hope it’s the love that stays.
